What If Harry Potter Was American?
by sexy-fleur
Summary: First posted last May, it's back to haunt you all! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nightmare-inducing; not for preteens. The question...what if HP was American? Ohmygawd!!!!!!!!!!!
1. The 1st Chapter

A/N: Ok, I was inspired to write this cuz, well, when I read HP I forget they are British, so here's my version, and it is as if they are American. I live in California, U.S., so I know what I'm talking about. But I've become the ultimate Anglophile (oh joy) and I'm obsessed with Britain…so I'm not too fond of this ficcies anymore :(

Originally posted last May, it's back to haunt you all :)   
  
Disclaimer: I don't like disclaimers.  


*****  
What If The HP Characters Were American? (I dunno, what if they were??)  
*****  


Ron and Harry are walking down to the Great Hall one day. They wear super-baggy jeans, backwards baseball caps, and humongous skater shoes. Vans.  
  
Ron: So I like got my board, ya know, and I totally went in on the biggest skate ramp oh wow it was like SO extreme!!  
  
Harry: Yah, man. That ramp is like extremely killer! 

(Enter Parvati and Lavendar. They speak in nauseating valley-girl voices)  
  
Parvati: Yah, so, I was, like, TOTALLY psyched that he was in the library, so I, like, TOTALLY freaked out, ya know, and I just, like, did not know what to do, and then....(five seconds of deathly silence) he...looked....at me!! (the girls squeal loudly)  
  
Ron: Yah like why is that so exciting?  
  
Lavendar: Shut up, Ron. At least we don't zoom around on pathetic little skateboards.  
  
Harry: Yeah, but you have a huge collection of sparkle-glitter-nail polish! (the girls look at the guys like they are slugs)  
  
Parvati and Lavendar: Guys. (they walk off)  
  
Harry and Ron: Chicks. (they all leave)  
  
  
A/N: Ok, this was pathetic, you don't have to tell me. And, if you didn't like it, DON'T REVIEW. JUST PRESS THAT LITTLE 'BACK' BUTTON AT THE TOP OF YOUR SCREEN, K? OH AND IF YOU WANT MORE I'LL BE OBLIGED!!  



	2. The 2nd Chapter

A/N: Right now I am feeling rather BAD cuz some smart-ass just reviewed this story. The person was named "coco."  
  
Coco, I almost CRIED - no, I did'nt cry, i'm just trying to make a point - at the fact that you ACTUALLY HAD THE GALLS TO PUT THAT In YOUR REVIEW. TO ME, THAT REVIEW MADE YOU LOOK LIKE A SLIMEBALL AND I AM INCREDIBLY OFFENDED, INSULTED, AND ANGRY THAT YOU WROTE SUCH TRASH LIKE THAT. THIS MAY NOT BE CLASSICAL, QUALITY LITERATURE, BUT SOME PEOPLE ACTUALLY THINK IT IS FUNNY. YOU ARE CRUEL AND HEARTLESS. I AM REMOVING YOUR REVIEW, ONCE EVERYONE HAS READ IT AND PERHAPS AGREESE WITH ME. I am really trying not to be too angry, but I AM. I CAN'T BELIEVE THERE ARE SUCH HEARTLESS PEOPLE ON THIS SITE. I DO NOT CARE IF YOU HATED THE STORY! SO WHAT? I HATE TONS OF STORIES ON FF! (OK, MAYBE NOT TONS) AND IF I HATE A STORY, I DON'T EAT AT THE AUTHOR! I DO SOMETHING CALLED "IGNORE THE REVIEW BOX" AND DO NOT REVIEW! WHY WOULD YOU EVEN REVIEW IF YOU HAD NOTHING GOOD TO SAY. Welps thank you all for letting me vent and email me on what you thought of this "coco" review.   
  
Hey, you guys, I do know that this story is crappy and worthless! I mean, I just post it because it's funny for me to write and funny to many readers. Don't think that I think this is great literature, cuz it's not! I just thought it was humorous and funny. Any more nasty flames like Coco's and I will remove the story. I bet Coco is dancing around, thinking "oh boy, if I just flame, she'll remove the story!" OH AND COCO I AM DEATHLY SORRY THAT YOU SAID YOUR IQ DROPPED. GOOD. MAYBE NOW IT IS SO LOW THAT YOU'RE TOO DUMB TO REVIEW AGAIN.  
  
People, I LIVE In CALIFORNIA! Why can't some of you believe that? I know SEVERAL people from Eastern US and Britain, who think that California is just valley girls and surfer guys and stuff. Of COURSE they're not!! I mean, I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANY VALLEY GIRLS. Sure, there's plenty of skaters....but what I'm trying to say is that this is an EXAGGERATION of what SOME people think CA is like! I am very surprised that some of you are taking this so seriously. Yes, I DO live in California. I'm not trying to dis Americans, cuz heck, I AM an American. I thought this was just a funny little dink I could post. I do not believe that all of you are THAT offended. Come ON you guys, don't be so harsh!! :( It's not bias. AMERICANS ARE NOT LIKE THIS. BUT SOME PEOPLE THINK THEY ARE! GET OVER IT!  
  
Oh and there's this reviewer who called herself/himself "Me." WHAT In THE H*LL GIVES YOU THE IDEA THAT AMERICANS ARE CULTURE HOGS? WE ARE NOT. YOU BRITISH PEEPS HAVE YOUR OWN CULTURE, AS DO WE. YOU ACT AS IF WE just SWAM ACROSS THE ATLANTIC AND CLAIMED THIS LAND. I'M SORRY THAT OUR COUNTRY IS'NT AS OLD OR MAYBE AS RENOWNED AS YOURS, BUT STILL, WER'E A COUNTRY, AND I DO NOT DIS ENGLAND.  
  
Oh and someone called "Lily Evans" agreed with me! Kudos to you, Lily! I'm emailing you! ;)  
  
Of course, most of my reviews are nice, so I thank those selfless souls out there who were willing to be kind and encouraging.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Just another typical day at Hogwarts L.A. In the Gryffindor common room.....  
  
(Harry and Ron are there, playing Muggle Nintendo)  
  
Harry: Haha! I just got your bibi gun!  
  
Ron: Yeah, so what. I can triple-sixty you any day. (triple-sixty is a skateboard term, one my brother uses)  
  
Harry: Hey, I'm working on it, so don't get offended. (Author's note: sure wish "Me" and Coco would take this advice)   
  
Ron: (starts cracking up) Haha! An Ollie?? (suddenly, Hermione walks out, wearing a super-skimpy bikini)  
  
Hermione: (in a movie star-sounding voice) Hello, boys. (she starts picking up a towel and beach umbrella)  
  
Ron: (whistles in approval) Woo-hoo! Honey you look SO hot.  
  
Hermione: (laughs sarcastically) (sarcastically) I know.  
  
Ron: Hey, don't get offended! (coco and me, take this advice) I just think you look real....real....nice. (he walks over and she walks away)  
  
Hermione: I'll be down tanning at the beach with Vicky. (she walks out of the portrait hole. Harry and Ron can see Viktor Krum out there to greet Hermy. He looks super-buff and muscular in his swim trunks) Oh, Vicky! (she runs over and they kiss passionately. NOT like that, you sick-minded people)  
  
Ron: (sadly) What does he have that I don't?  
  
Harry: Everything. (Fleur somewhat disagrees with this line, but it's whatever Harry thinks)  
  
  
Scene 2  
  
Hermione and Viktor are down on the beach. In the distance, you can see the Hogwarts castle. The Gryffindor Quidditch team is playing beach volleyball against the Hufflepuff Quidditch Team. And Cedric looks very sexy INDEED! (hehe j/k just thought i'd add a little flourish). All the girls look cute in teeny-tiny bikinis and the guys are hecka-buff. The Slytherins are having a mad water-gun fight in the ocean. Viktor is putting suntan lotion on her back for her, and they flirt madly. All of a sudden, Draco starts walking onto the sand. He is wearing super-super-baggy jeans, a big red football shirt, and a backwards baseball cap. He holds a boom box right next to his ear, and it plays REAL LOUD rap/hip-hop music. Everyone goes quiet at the sight of him, so he can speak loud.  
  
Draco: WAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZUP??????????????????  
  
Pansy: Ooh, Draco, you look SO sexy!  
  
Draco: Thank you, my beach-baby. (He walks towards Crabbe and Goyle, who's guts hang out of their swimming shorts) WAZZZZZZUP, CRABBE MY FRIEND? (they greet each other with a rapper's high-five) Goyle! What's goin' on my homie-g??   
  
Hermione: (off to the side, w/ Viktor) He is SO immature. Look at him, prancing around like he's such the ladies' man!  
  
Viktor: Vell, it is true. (show Draco being hounded by Slytherin girls in swimsuits)  
  
Hermione: Guess you're right. But you, my darling, are WAY hotter than Draco ANY day! (they run into the ocean together and swim around with each other. NOT like that you perverted minds.)  
  
THE END  
  
  
  
A/N: Ok, I'd like to say that, yep, Draco IS cuter than Viktor. But remember that those lines were from HERMIONE'S point of view, not ours, so don't flame for me portraying Viktor as hella-hot or anything. Not that he is'nt, not that he is, not that Draco is, but.....OK I'M JUST SAYING ALL THIS TO PLEASE YOU PEOPLE. I'M NOT ABOUT TO SAY WHAT I REALLY THINK OF DRACO and VIKTOR. :)  
  
Ok now if you hated it, PLEASE DO NOT REVIEW. Please don't *sobs* I'm begging you. If you hated the story that much, you'd just press the BACK button on the top of your IN-Browser and return to the previous page. Don't be offended. C ya peoples  
  
  



	3. The 3rd Chapter!

A/N: Welp, I decided to keep going......much to many of your guys' pleasure! Oh yeah and I know that on the other 2 chapters I keep writing "this is like a totally worthless story" but now I *actually* like it, since I've had so many kind reviews   
  
Disclaimer: Uh...........who writes Harry Potter again?........................hehe :P  
  
  
Q: What If HP Was American?  
  
A: The world would be messed up.  
  
  
Scene 1  
  
Hogwarts is having a huge rock concert. I swear, it looks like Woodstock '68 out there. All the girls are running around screaming in bikinis or bra tops. The guys are cheering for the band and hitting on girls.   
  
Above the stage is a huge banner reading "WAND UP THE ASS." That is the name of the band. The guys up there are:  
  
Fred and George on electric guitars and lead vocals,  
Lee Jordan on bass,  
Alicia Spinnet on keyboards  
and Katie Bell on drums (girl drummers kick ass!)  
  
They are doing a song that goes like this:  
  
"AS YOU SEE, OUR BAND NAME  
IMPLIES SOMETHING VERY INHUMANE  
  
BUT OUR MUSIC KICKS BUTT, AND WE LIKE CRACK  
WHICH IS WHY WE ALL HAVE WANDS UP OUR ASS"  
  
The whole crowd likes the song! (whether Dumbledore likes it is up to you)   
  
They leave and the next band comes on. They are called "PIXIE DUST"  
  
And their nauseatingly soft, nostalgic song goes........  
  
"Through the wind, blows the fairy dust.  
Of pixies and droxies alike [NOTE: IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT A DROXY IS, CONSULT 'FANTASTIC BEASTS AND WHERE TO FIND THEM' LOCATED In FINE BOOKSTORES]  
  
They spread sweet honey all around  
Much to the delight of the fairy......"  
  
They are booed out and forced to leave the stage. WAND UP OUR ASS comes back on and keeps rocking it out.  
  
THE END AND READ THE BETA READING NOTICE  
  
  
*********************BETA READING NOTICE********************  
  
READ READ READ READ READ READ READ READ READ READ READ READ READ   
  
Hello! And thank you for reading my story! I am taking this oppurtunity to offer YOU the chance to have ME as your Beta Reader! To add to my fanfiction projects, I would simply love to become YOUR next Beta Reader! As a Beta Reader, I would read your stories and check them for spelling, grammar, acurracy, clarity, and its overall plot.  
  
HERE ARE SOME REASONS THAT WILL CONTRIBUTE TO ME BEING A GOOD BETA READER:  
  
1. I am very inclined towards English, literature, and spelling. I have always received excellent marks in these fields (although not so much for math and science!! :) I would proofread your stories with tactics that have never failed me in checking my OWN stories (and those of others), and I would be armed with a dictionary, thesaurus, and rhyming dictionary (for songfics and filks).   
  
2. I would make sure to simply SUGGEST ideas and plot twists to you before putting them in your story and sending it back to you. I tend to listen rather than talk, so I would make sure you get as much input as you like.  
  
3. I have utterly DEVOURED the Harry Potter books, and I think that, because I have read them all a minimum of 5 times, I would be able to make sure your HP stories are accurate in terms of things like spells, incantations, props, characters, etc.  
  
4. I would'nt just Beta Read Harry Potter stories, like some Beta Readers I have talked to. No, I will accept nearly anything! However, there are a few things that would not work too well, such as Digimon and other popular games and movies authors base their stories on. This is not because I don't like them; it is because I am not familiar with them and would not be good at all in Beta Reading them. I would, of course, still do all the literature checking for them, but I would not be able to check their plot accuracy. But I'll still do the spelling and such :)  
I hope this does not happen, but I would not under any circumstances review any stories that are potentially NC-17 rated. Potential R stories will be first talked over before I choose to proceed with them. I am not trying to be mean in this way; I simply want to clarify the fact that I won't tolerate being emailed vulgar or obscene stories. I am looking to read clean, cute, well-plotted stories, not ones that mutilate Harry Potter :)  
  
5. I can also write summaries. I know several authors who say they cannot write them at all, but I'm well adept to it. I can also help you decide censors (ratings), categories, genres, and titles.  
  
6. I am a very organized person, and I put a lot into my schooling. I think I would be good as a Beta Reader because of my organizational skills, logic, common sense, and everything I do for you will be with a smile on my face!  
  
  
So, if you are interested, please email me at   
fleurdelacour@teen.com  
I will talk with you about what you are trying to accomplish with your stories, and what we can do to make them better.   
After that, I would have you email me your story, and I would check over the grammar, punctuation, spelling, etc. If necessary, I will also make a couple suggestions, but I will never be overbearing or in anyway obliging you to go through with them. I'm a one-for-one, one-for-all kind of gal, and I will accept stories from any of you, young or old, guy or girl.  
But FIRST, you need to email me so that we can set it all up! Please do not send me a fic, saying "please beta read this." I would first like to talk with the author and really figure out what we are trying to accomplish.  
Email me for more details....  
  
So, this is Fleur Delacour, who wants to become YOUR next Beta Reader!  
  
  



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